F*ck That: A Guided Meditation

Here is the transcript to a NSFW guided meditation to make your shitty life tolerable again. WARNING: rough language, crybabies beware.

Sit or lie comfortably, quietly. Allow yourself to be here fully in this moment. With your eyes closed, begin to connect with your inner world of thought and feeling.

Gradually let the horseshit of the external world fade from your awareness.

If you find your mind wandering to other thoughts, don’t let it concern you. Just acknowledge that all that shit is fucking bullshit.

You’re here now, in this place, with your inner stillness.

Those bitches can’t get under your skin. They can’t even.

Take in a deep breath … now breathe out. Just feel the fucking nonsense float away.

Take full, deep breaths. Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit.

Allow your breathing to discover its own natural, unhurried pace. If your thoughts drift to the three-ring shit-show of your life, bring your attention back to your breathing. And with each breath, feel your body saying, ‘Fuck that’.

Zen12With passive acceptance, just allow distracting thoughts to float by… ‘Fuck that’. With each breath you take, your thoughts become lighter, and all the soul-eating cocksuckers just fall away into nothing.

Take a moment to appreciate the silence. Those assholes can’t piss all over a purity like this. You are weightless. Timeless. Without beginning or end. Completely relaxed and free of thought.

And as you slowly open your eyes, greet the world and everything in it with a new, beautiful breath, of ‘Fuck that’.

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